What memories do you have of Christmas? Young children getting up insanely early to rip open their presents? A family gathering at someone’s house for a large, formal meal? Watching traditional Christmas-time movies, whether Miracle on 34th Street, It’s A Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, or even Die Hard? Day-long professional sports? The end-of-day food coma? Uggh!
I am not a fan of and do not enjoy Christmas, in particular the obligatory gift-giving for no other reason than cultural expectations: this article definitely resonates with me, as the author’s husband just doesn’t feel the need to blindly follow long-held family traditions. I know I’m the family Scrooge (though my opinion doesn’t change at the end), but the weeks between Black Friday and New Years can’t pass fast enough. I just want to jump to the new year and get past the holiday season. For me, it’s all about the gift-giving, and it’s refreshing to hear others sharing similar thoughts.
Unfortunately, my wife loves the Christmas season – the gifts, the family get-togethers, the (hopefully) time way from work – and it weighs on her how much I don’t agree, how much I don’t want to participate, how miserable I am. An early Christmas brought on a complete meltdown when a TV I purchased wouldn’t fit in my car, even unboxed. For many years I retreated to my office during the orgy of gift-opening by children and, later, grandchildren. Recent years have been less traumatic as my daughters’ families do their own things and we arrive later, but I still have a visceral response to it. My wife now knows the signs, the grumpiness, the blank stares, and doesn’t push me. [And for that, I thank her.]
Christmas has never been a religious event for me, even in childhood, and though I may enjoy the family gathering aspect, overall I just want to get through it as quickly as possible. Early in our marriage, I fantasized that my wife would get frustrated and just tell me to leave town – for her own sanity as much as mine – but, to her credit, she never did.
Where Did It Begin
Family movies confirm that Christmas has always been huge for my father, with gifts above-and-beyond par for the course and which continued in his second marriage. He was always proud of the burnt-out Santa Claus lightbulb from his first Christmas tree and, if he still has it, continues to have a place of honor on his Christmas tree.
[My mother did her best, but knew her limits and knew she couldn’t compete with my dad.]
For Christmas 1983, my four year-old step-sister got multiple cabbage patch dolls (4? 5? from parents, grandparents, aunt) the year of riots among those trying to get cabbage patch dolls for their kids. Attacks with baseball bats? I heard a side comment between my grandparents that they were appalled as well, and put things into perspective.
That said, my grandparents weren’t blameless as Christmas was a major holiday for them as well. One story (from my mother?) goes that one Christmas my grandfather was unemployed but the same level of gifts appeared under the tree, despite the lack of income…because that’s what everyone expected.
Tube Socks and Panties
Multiple tales of obligatory gift-giving:
- A former girlfriend would go Christmas shopping with her mother and sister, find what each personally wanted and then determine who bought what as their present, held until present-opening on Christmas Day.
- By early autumn, my father would start asking me what I wanted for Christmas – e.g., music, movies, books, etc. – and would have no answer as I’m not going to wait just for the sake of getting a gift. And if I tell you what I want, then is that nay better than just shopping for myself and giving it to him to wrap? For years the stock gift was a subscription to Sports Illustrated – in those pre-internet days when magazines were a thing – but I never read them all and finally asked him to stop.
- My first wife’s grandmother made sure all grandchildren got gifts, though the adult grandchildren got gag gifts: tube socks for the men, panties for the women. Despite everyone having a giggle, it showed she felt obligated, regardless of how meaningless it was.
I hope that my gifts are meaningful to the recipient, perhaps even a surprise; unfortunately, gifts often check a box and ease the conscious, explaining why most gifts are accompanied by a gift receipt! It’s rare I hear of someone receiving a gift – especially at Christmas – that was thoughtful, appropriate, a surprise. I guess it’s why everyone wants to sit on Santa’s lap, because no really knows or asks, correct?
So No Gifts, Now What?
Other ways of staying in the spirit of Christmas or the holidays without de rigueur gift-giving, assuming you are capable of breaking family or societal norms:
Charitable Giving
For perhaps ten years, while single between marriages and as a way to deflect my father’s need of gifting, I made charitable contributions in the name of family members and friends. I identified charities that (hopefully) aligned with a person’s background or ideals, researched each to ensure financial responsibility, and then sent them a card saying I’ve donated $XXX in your name to Charity X.
This idea resonates with others as well. My grandparents started doing the same, and recently I described this to a friend who liked the idea and thought she might do the same. While my wife and I don’t specifically do this today – for no other reason than we don’t send out holiday cards – but we make charitable contributions at this time of year.
Volunteerism
My sister advocated over many years that, as a family, we volunteer at a soup kitchen providing meals for the homeless or needy; unfortunately, the logistics with far-flung family members means we never pulled it off. Individually, we’ve done volunteering – not necessarily at Christmas – but nothing as a family.
That said, most communities have individual or groups doing something special on Christmas or helping people to not be alone on what otherwise may be a very lonely holiday.
Baked Goods Drop-off
I can’t take credit for this: a former friend would go on baking sprees, making cookies and cakes and pies and breads, and she’d then drop them off at various fire stations and police stations. Besides being a nice gesture, it also means she wasn’t eating it all.
Though I haven’t done it recently, I have dropped off extra pies at fire stations when coming home from family gatherings where everyone’s contributions were too much and I brought home the treats purchased or baked. Probably should do that again.
Pajama Party With Friends
My friend J settled down in Maryland near Washington, DC after retiring from the military. She knew nobody locally until someone suggested she introduce herself to a nearby couple – based on what I have no idea – and J did, cold-calling on the couple, introducing herself, and finding BFFs from that inauspicious start.
As J is estranged from her mother and, by extension, most of her family, her holidays are spent with this couple. Their tradition is a Christmas slumber party wearing identical PJs with food, drinks, and gag gifts. The group now includes the couple’s child and J’s boyfriend. She loves it, having made her own family out of nothing
So Now What?
Obviously you have to do what you can to survive. As usual, my wife did most of the shopping and I just nodded as she asked opinions. We’re having smaller family gatherings rather than one large one, and I try to just sit away from the fray and ignore it the best I can.
Has it gotten any better? No, I still just want it over. However, I think I’m not making it quite as miserable for my wife, and the younger grandchildren are still oblivious to my feelings.
Perhaps my love of the Futurama episode Xmas Story gives context. In this episode, Santa is a robot whose programming has an extreme definition of whose been naughty and nice, and Santa attempts to kill the naughty. I find it hilarious….not necessarily a story for children, but it’s (somewhat) the obligatory gift-giving that has Fry shopping later than safe. [Also, Christmas is considered the archaic pronunciation and it’s now officially Xmas instead.]
Or perhaps my love of this cartoon from Nicholas Downs further clarifies things a bit. I sent this as a card decades ago, everyone laughed, though a friend was glad her twins didn’t see it…
Image Credits
- Socks and Panties on Laundry Line licensed from iStock.
- Charitable Giving licensed from iStock.
- “Thank you Volunteers cake.” by San José Public Library is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0.
- “Little girls in pajamas on a staircase looking at personalized snowman reindeer Santa and penguin Christmas holiday stockings from Personal Creations with candy in them by a window with a wreath and wrapped gifts on the ledge” by PersonalCreations.com is licensed under CC BY 2.0.
