The complete title caught my attention: Little Journeys Towards Paris 1914-1918: A Guide Book for Confirmed Tourists by W. Hohenzollern. A tourist guide written and published during World War I? The author, the Hon. Colonel Death’s Head Hussars and Doctor of Sacred Theology (University of Essen) according to the title page, having the last name as the German royal family? The Fourth Anniversary Edition? None of this made any sense, regardless of mental attempts to reconcile the contradictions: of course, therefore I obviously needed to read the book.
First impressions: at a mere 84 pages, fairly slim for a tourist guide. The translator’s preface and author’s introduction fairly uneventful. The typeface and paper seemingly from circa 1918.
And then I started reading …
The first paragraph raised eyebrows:
The cost of a trip to Paris from the German frontier has risen tremendously since 1870, with no corresponding increase in comfort; the contrary rather. Two million and dead wounded a year is a fair estimate. A safe way is to decide in advance how much one is willing to spend, and then multiply it by one hundred.
Your understanding of the books inside jokes is proportional to your understanding of European history: 1870 is the year of the Franco-Prussian war that led to the creation of the German Empire; two million dead and wounded per year perhaps overstates, but not substantially, the German casualties during WWI (Ancestry.com states 7 million killed, wounded or missing). The introduction continues:
Left to themselves, Hindenburg or Mackensen can manage on comparatively little. But whenever any members of the family are around, like the present writer at Nancy in September, 1914, or the Krown Prince at Verdun in 1916, the expenditures mount prodigiously (200,00 to 500,00 casualties).
Within a few pages, it became apparent that this is not a travel guide but a satire of the German army and its travails across Europe during WWI.
The railways leading to Paris are comfortable and well equipped, as far as they go. The terminal facilities, however, are very poor. The French army refuses to guarantee any connections and time-tables are subject to change without notice. German excursionists, therefore, would do well in planning their itineraries, to allow for delays. Thus, for the regulation trip of three weeks from Cologne to Paris, a margin of ten or twelve years is not excessive.
This map is repeated six times, identical except for text for each of the six different cities – Paris, London, Washington D.C., Calais, Verdun, Moscow – each stating the author not having had the advantage of studying the topography of <city> on the spot, the map below shows <city> as it out to be rather than it is.
Chapter by chapter, the slapstick continues.
Route 1: From Liege to Paris by Way of the Marne, the Was, and the Ain’t.
Liege (the ancient German Liebchen), a city of 175,000 inhabitants before the arrival of the German tourist and 25,000 after, is picturesquely situated on the steep west bank of the Meuse (the ancient German Measles). It is, or was the seat of a cathedral, a university, and a foundling asylum, all within easy cannon range from the opposite shore. After the first few days’ bombardment there is nothing more to interest the visitor.
Route 5: To Paris by Way of the Lusitania.
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Rising to the surface off Kinsale, the traveler gives only a moment’s glance towards shore, then turns his attention to the stirring (herzerfreudige) sight of a noble steamer bending forward over the waves (uber die Wellen walsend). The experienced traveler, however, will not let himself be deceived by appearances. Drawing from his packet the Bernstorff–Zimmermann patent X-Ray Telephotograph Detector, specially devised for such emergencies, he will train it on the great ship and immediate detect the presence on board of large stores of explosives.
Route 8: To Paris by Way of Brest-Litovsk (Trotzky Hot Air Line).
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From Brest-Litovsk we may proceed by the celebrated Vacation Route to Riga, the capital of Courland. This province has two million inhabitants, of whom the vast majority, to the number of 10,000, are of German origin. The native Letts constitute an insignificant minority of 1,990,000 souls, chiefly engaged in paying taxes to the German majority.
Each page contains some tongue-in-cheek reference to how the war is going – and, by 1918, not well for the Germans – with interesting connections. Somehow even Washington, D.C., gets a mention.
Final Thoughts
This comedic look at World War I, specifically the movements of the German army, came from the fertile mind of Simeon Strunsky, Jewish essayist and editorialist born in the Russian Empire. Apparently he took what he knew about the war, made up what he didn’t, and made fun of the Germans. The supposed W. Hohenzollern? Emperor Wilhelm II. Tourist guide? Only for those fighting and dying as the German Empire invaded Belgium and France, where most of the fighting on the Western Front occurred. Even the Chronology and Index are ficticious:
- 1914 August 28: Wilhelm wins the war, first time.
- 1914 September 5: Wilhelm prepares to win the war again on the Marne.
- 1915 May 1: Wilhelm wins the war again in Galicia.
- 1916 November 10: Wilhelm wins war again in Servia.
- 1916 October 15: Wilhelm wins war in Rumania.
- 1918 March 21: Wilhelm wins at St. Quentin.
For me, an amateur historian, a delightful read; unlikely not so much for without the context to understand the humor. At least the University of Minnesota cataloged the book correctly as Caricatures and Cartoons.
